Worry

I sit here as I do most evenings worried. I have an on and off pain in my chest. Is it a heart attack? Cancer? Embolism? Does my mind ever think oh you worked hard today? You earned these muscle spasms.  Good job. No. It always goes to worse possible scenario. No matter what.
Being mentally ill sucks.  It seriously sucks balls. Being a hypochondriac is the worse. It takes everyday aches and pains and convinces you that you are dying. Every single day. Multiple times a day and on bad days, multiple times an hour. My kids can't have a bruise I don't analyse over and over. Headache? Omg they have brain tumors. Sounds funny at times. Believe me it isn't.
Even when friends tell me about being sick, or having aches or pains, I worry. Family is sick. I start having symptoms even if I'm not sick. The mind is a very strange thing. It can convince your body it's having certain pains even when there is nothing wrong. I know it's nothing. If I keep busy I don't notice some pains. So it's my mind tricking the body that there is something wrong when there isn't. It's a very fine line in today's technology rich world that I have to balance. You read all these stories about cancer, ms, Parkinson's, ECT. How do you decide what to have checked out and what you think is nerves? My only answer so far has been wait. I get a new pain, I wait a week to see if it gets better or worse. 100% so far have gone away entirely, so far.

Omg tried using Word press on Yahoo. Don't. i have been trying to remove their buttons from the menu and it is driving me crazy trying to find where I can turn those stupid things off at!!!!

  Well I am trying to start updating this thing more than I have in the past. It just seems I have a very full plate all the time. Between regular life and online life, it gets a little crazy around here.
Hope I start to see some interest in what I have to say.   But if not Oh Well. I gotta say what I gotta say.

Well I officially quit smoking on March 31st 2009. It has been one heck of a week.

I have been on top of the world and down deep in a hole this past 12 days.

I decided it would be a bit of help if I wrote out what is happening to me for the next few months.

I am using the patch and lozenges as needed. As of today I have not smoked or taken one puff off of a cigarette . I also have only had a lozenge in my mouth for less than 10 minutes.

How has it gone?

Pretty good actually.
Don't get me wrong there are really bad cravings some days (like today). And then none at all for hours at a time.
The 3rd day was the absolute worse. I was crying at work and just a total mess. But the day after was like pure joy. I felt so good about not smoking, when I felt so bad that it was just a super high.

So here is some background.
I have smoked steady since I was 16. I am now 35. That is almost 20 years I filled my lungs with poison and paid someone to make me little cancer sticks so I could. How is that for addicted.
Now I am not saying because you smoke you are stupid. But it is stupid to smoke. I know as well as anyone that putting the stupid things down are one of the hardest things anyone could ever do. It is not easy. But before you say I like to smoke. It calms me. It is my special time out for just me. Think about this. Before I quit I was always on edge, always worried about something and really blew up about the littlest things.
Now it is like night and day. Sure at first it was the same. But after just a few days I was calmer. More serene.
I actually accidentally spilled almost a whole candle down the sink. If that would of been when I smoked I would of blew up and just threw up my hands and went outside for a cig because I was "mad". This time I just shrugged and fixed my mess. No hollering, no getting angry just oh well gotta fix it and I did. I was so proud of myself for this little accomplishment. I still am.


Now today I worked through some of my "triggers". I got to admit I have been pretty tempted today but again I worked through it so far today and haven't smoked.
So this blog for now is gonna be my daily dealings with not smoking.

I am in search of an instructor in the art of lampworking and wire wrap that is located kinda close to me.

Have you ever seen such beautiful works of art?







You can find this artist here http://www.stevesizelove.com/

Man I've been adding products to the website. Anyone thinks that the copy & paste method was easy never put about 5000 product on one website.


Wish I knew html better and would just do it that way instead of using someone else's interface.

:(

Well today started off normal and went to hell in a hand basket pretty quick.

Seems like all anyone does anymore is fight.We fight here at home and you turn on the tv and everyone is fighting there. It seems no one is just plain happy to even be alive anymore.Don’t get me wrong I know the people in NO had it terrible.But to stand around playing the blame game is not going to get that great city back to how it was.

It’s sad I wanted to visit NO soon now I am rethinking the whole thing. The way these people acted in an emergency does not make me feel like I would ever want to visit their fair city anytime soon .How can you beg for help while there is people shooting at your rescuers. I personally won’t risk it if they are going to take pop shots at me when all I’m trying to do is help.This is all we watch when we watch tv and it makes me sick http://www.cnn.com/